When I was a kid I would stand at the bathroom mirror and say when I get older I am going to be this tall. Sometimes I feel like I should have said when I grow up I am going to have to make this many decisions. It seems that most of being an adult is making decisions. Running my horse farm and being responsible for horses, donkeys, goats and cats is full of decisions. Often times I get stuck in a loop of anxiety and depression because I feel like I am not able to balance everything.
Yesterday, I was able to relax a little bit. I wanted to see if all of my horses would go and eat grass along the path down towards the meadows. The answer was a big no. However, I was able to work with Hank and Lark a little bit and get a better understanding of how they view me. I promise more Hank posts soon.
I’ve had to make some decisions the past few months that tore at my spirit. I lost my job on November 1st because my position was terminated. I knew that was going to happen at somepoint but I was too exhausted to care. I spent most of November trying to recoup from the past 12 months of insanity. Side note, I am still trying to recoup. Luckily, I am able to collect while I am searching for a new job but finding a new job when you are exhausted and stressed out is difficult. I was in this position back in 2013/2014 but I had three horses not ten plus two donkeys and three goats and a business that needs cash flow. I decided to sell one of my donkeys because she needed her own person. She was unhappy here, I could tell by the way she kept demanding attention and pushing the other donkeys around. She reminded me of a sullen teenager. I miss my first donkey but I know she is in a great home, a home that is perfect for her. Selling her was difficult. I didn’t want to sell her but I also had to do what was best for her.
She went to her new home and December rolled around. I realized I needed to sell one of my bucks. Again, not something I wanted to do but he was showing signs that he needed a different life. A life with more space and a larger herd. Luckily, I found him the perfect home as well. During this time I also had other horses up for sale. One of those horses was Ruger. I bought him and Hank with the plan of selling one of them but now that that plan is looking like it is going to be a reality my heart aches. Ruger was the first mustang I gentled. He is such a goof ball and absolutely loves attention. Yet, he isn’t progressing as quickly as he could because I am holding him back. He is fine with that, don’t get me wrong, but I think he is bored. He needs more one on one attention. He needs someone who is HIS person. He needs to be the sole focus and he can’t get that here.
I used to be good at making decisions but the older I get the more I just want to press pause and not have to make decisions. Yes, that feeling probably has to do with the fact that I have anxiety, depression and narcolepsy. All issues that make it harder to focus on the long term goals and harder to make the decisions that need to be made. If someone had told me that I would be stuck making decisions that hurt my heart I wouldn’t have chosen this path. It’s a difficult one. A path that doesn’t seem like there are any winners. However, again, I have to do what is best for Ruger and what is best for all of the horses in my care. Finding Ruger the best possible home is my goal. I know that he will be loved by any and all what meet him.